


Unspoken

by benicemurphy



Category: Free!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Holding Hands, M/M, Marriage Proposal, POV First Person, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 15:04:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17164205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benicemurphy/pseuds/benicemurphy
Summary: Haru and Makoto have always been so intune with each other that the gradual changes in their relationship never needed to be clarified. From childhood to retirement, they have supported each other the best ways they know how, no matter what the outside world has to say about it.





	Unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> I've been sitting on this fic for over 6 months now, so I've finally decided to suck it up and post it in its original form. It's the first fanfic I ever wrote, and I remember feeling extremely proud of myself just for writing it, even if no one else ever saw it. I was very hesitant to post it (hence letting it sit on my hard drive for six months), but in the end, there's literally nothing to lose, so here you go.

It happened slowly. Gradually, over years and years, our relationship changed. We never discussed it. It just became what it is.

__________

Since we were young, before we started swimming, before we started school, ever since we were just small children, Haru has played a special role in my life. I fell, he picked me up. If someone called me names, he defended me and calmed me. If something or someone got too close to me, he stepped in between. He was my protector. He still is.

Most of my fears are irrational. I know it, and he knows it, but he's still there, protecting me from imaginary shadows and scary stories and the ocean. Even now, when we walk home from school, he stands between me and the ocean. He has never mentioned it, but he always does it. It's natural for him to protect me.

And in return, I take care of him. When he's late for school, I pull him out of the water and make sure he gets there. I have my mom pack extra in my lunch in case Haru forgets his again. I speak for him when he would prefer to remain silent, because I know what he wants to say anyway, and he lets me. He prefers it that way. He doesn't like to speak. After all of this time, I've learned every line in his face, every flash of his deep blue eyes, every twitch of his lips that would be imperceptible to anyone but me. I am his support. We've never discussed it, but that's the way it's always been. It's natural for me to take care of him.

When we were children, we were innocent. We loved each other, because that's what friends do. He was my best friend, and I was his. If one of us needed the other, all it took was for one of us to reach out and grab the other's hand. Everything was better when we had each other's hands.

As we got older and started elementary school, we started to notice the other kids and some adults staring at us when we held hands. The other boys in our class teased us and told us that best friends don't hold hands, only _married_ people hold hands, and two boys can't be married in Japan!

We started holding hands only when we were at home, when people couldn't make us feel bad for protecting and caring for each other. They didn't understand. It was natural for us to hold hands.

So we learned new ways to take care of each other when there were other people around. We learned what best friends were supposed to look like, and our relationship evolved to fit that mold. We learned how to communicate with our eyes instead of our hands. We learned to read what the other was feeling from a glance. If we needed to, we could wait until we walked home to give a reassuring squeeze of the hand or a hug, in times that were particularly bad. But the people around us didn't like to see boys hugging, so we learned that there was a time and a place for supporting each other. We never talked about it. It just happened. And as we continued to grow, it became easier and easier to communicate silently.

__________

We have always been best friends, and we will always be best friends. But somewhere along the way, we changed. We didn't discuss it. We just came to be.

__________

One night in elementary school, Haru stayed over. This was normal. We had been friends for nine years already, and Haru had become a comfortable fixture in my life and my family. His parents were gone a lot on business, and he always stayed in my house while they were gone. He was still too young to stay on his own.

This time, though, it was different. This time, our relationship started to change, if only just a little.

I was asleep in my bed, Haru asleep on the futon on the floor - the usual arrangement. In my dreams, I saw flashes of lightning, crashing waves, and an endless expanse of darkness ready to wash over me and swallow me whole. I saw hands attached to arms with no bodies clawing out at me, trying to grab me and bring me into the chaos and nothingness. It was not an unfamiliar dream, but it was terrifying no less. At some point during the night, I called out in fear, and Haru woke up. He didn't say anything. He didn't wake me. He just crawled up into the bed, lay down on his side to face me, and held my hands. The comfortable feeling soothed my unconscious mind, and the waves began to recede. The bodiless hands drew away. I was safe. Haru protected me. After that, we couldn't go back to the old sleeping arrangement. It felt fake, like we only slept apart because _best friends don't sleep in the same bed_. But it was comfortable for us. It was natural. Neither of us ever brought it up, even in the morning when I woke up to find him next to me. We just silently agreed that this is how it would be now.

Things complicated again once we got to junior high and made more friends. Sometimes, our new friends would also come over to stay the night. On those nights, we knew we couldn't stay in the same bed, because _best friends don't sleep in the same bed_. So we would pull out all of the futons, and everyone slept on the floor. This was okay. My futon was always next to Haru's, and while we slept, I could reach out and hold the back of his shirt. This was okay. It seemed that the other boys and the adults felt that this was acceptable. But when we were alone, we still slept with our hands clasped together so that Haru could protect me.

__________

Right before we started high school, our relationship changed again, but just barely. I was staying over at Haru's house. His parents were gone, but he was deemed old enough now to stay by himself for a week or so at a time. If he had any trouble, he could just walk down the stairs to my house, and my family would welcome him with open arms. But on this night, we had no troubles, and we stayed at Haru's, just like many other times before.

We were watching a movie on the couch in his living room. Something stupid and action-packed with a weak storyline. Haru usually liked those kinds of movies because they were easy to watch after a long day. On this day in particular, Haru was upset. He didn't need to tell me what was wrong, or even that something was wrong. I already knew, and he knew that I knew. So when I came over, I brought a stupid, easy-to-watch movie, and we settled in for the night. Usually, a stupid movie was just the thing to distract Haru from his thoughts and put his mind at ease, but this time, it wasn't working. I could see from his expression that he was hardly able to pay attention. In his lap, he twiddled his thumbs absent-mindedly. His face wore the same usual neutral expression that he always wore, seemingly devoid of emotion to anyone but me. In his eyes, something flashed. It told me that there was something very wrong. My gut wretched. I was his caretaker, and he needed to be cared for. This time, I scooted closer to him and reached my hand out for his. Almost as if by reflex alone, his hand came up to meet mine, and our fingers laced. It was so easy. And with that small gesture, I saw the telltale flash disappear from his eyes. He was comforted. I had done my job.

From then on, when we watched movies on Haru's couch, we held hands. It was just natural.

__________

Just a few months later, we started our first year of high school. Haru was unhappy. He had stopped swimming competitively two years earlier. His mother had moved with his father to a city a couple of hours away for a job. His house was now empty, save for him.

He became even more stoic than usual. It was common for us to walk to and from school in complete silence. At school, some people asked me _why was I even friends with him_ when they thought he wasn't listening. The other people in our class didn't understand him. Some of them had known him for years but never really _knew_ him. Not like I did. So when they asked, I just told them that he was my best friend, and that was that. I knew Haru could hear the conversations sometimes, and I knew that even if he didn't care what anyone else thought of him, he still cared what they thought of me, and what I thought of him. I knew that it hurt him when people asked why I bothered hanging around him. And sometimes, I knew he wondered the same thing. He never asked me, and I never brought it up, but when we were alone, I would lace our fingers together and stroke the back of his hand with my thumb, and in return, he would give me a little squeeze that meant, _thank you for hanging around me_. Even when he was distant and miserable and unhappy, I knew he was glad to have me around. I was his best friend, and he was my best friend. I was glad to have him around, too.

During our second year of high school, things started looking up. After going to a different junior high, Nagisa started as a first year at our high school. Although he was a year behind us, we were old friends from the Swimming Club, and we quickly fell back into rhythm after three years apart. Nagisa was easy. He was bubbly and fun and a little bit over-the-top, but he was pleasant to have around. He kept things lighthearted. One day, Nagisa suggested we start a swim team at school. We had learned that Rin was back from Australia and attending a nearby boarding school with an excellent swim team, and Nagisa thought it would be fun to run into him at competitions. I didn't think Haru would agree, because he didn't swim competitively anymore, but he did. It was the first time since we were very young that he really surprised me.

__________

We started the swim club, and we were able to see Rin from time to time, but he had changed.

In junior high, he was fierce and sharp and bursting with infectious charisma. He had latched onto Haru and all but forced him to fall for his charm. It was the first time I saw Haru itching to compete. Before that, he just wanted to swim. Rin lit a fire inside him. Rin inspired him.

And then, just like that, Rin left. He moved to Australia to study at a special swimming school. As far as I knew, Haru didn't hear from him again until he came back into our lives during our second year of high school.

That same year, on a particularly bad night, Haru broke. I had seen him get this upset once before. The first time he broke, I didn't know why. It was halfway through our first year of junior high, when he said he was going to quit swimming competitively. This was the second time I had seen him break. Something had happened after his race with Rin at the prefectural tournament. The light in his eyes went out. He looked empty.

That night, I stayed at his house, even though he didn't ask me to. In his bed, we didn't sleep face to face with our hands together. Instead, Haru lay on his side with his back to me so that I couldn't see the tears in the corners of his eyes. I saw them anyway. My heart broke. Haru was always the stronger of us. He had always wiped my tears when I was sad or afraid. This was new. This required a new kind of care. So I scooted close to him and wrapped one arm around his waist and the other beneath his head. I could feel his tears falling on my bicep, but I didn't say anything. He grabbed the arm around his waist and pulled me in tighter. I held him that way the whole night. From then on, that was how we slept when we were together. Even when there was nothing to be upset about, I held him. We never talked about it. It was just understood. That was when our relationship changed again, just a little bit.

__________

It didn't take long this time for our relationship to change yet again. Just a few weeks later, we met Rin again at the regional tournament. This time, things got better. We were able to make amends. Haru was happy to have his friend back - we all were. Even Rei, the newest addition to our group of friends and the fourth member of our swim club, understood the weight that was lifted from our team after the reunion. And just like that, back on good terms with his rival and old friend, the light came back into Haru's eyes. I could have been jealous, but I understood it for what it was. Rin was Haru's inspiration. Rin played a critical role in Haru's life, but it was a role completely different from mine. I was Haru's best friend. I was his caretaker. And he was my protector.

We didn't advance to Nationals that year, but we were still happy. For a first year club, we did pretty damn well. After the season was over, Haru and I were able to spend more leisure time together. School was out for the summer, and we didn't have practice every day anymore. We could just go to the beach or play video games with my siblings. It was nice.

One night, about a week after Regionals, Haru stayed over. He was happy, and that made me happy. We lay awake that night talking for a long time. Even though I always knew what he was thinking, it was nice to talk freely for a while. It felt good, just like a couple of best friends making jokes and sharing their lives with each other. We faced each other while we talked, like we did before the night he broke. After we used up all of our words, we just faced each other. In his eyes, I saw a spark. He had renewed energy now. He had a renewed passion for swimming, and he didn't seem so lonely. It was nice looking into eyes like those. They were deep blue and full of life, just like an ocean. Only I could never be afraid of this ocean.

Sometimes I wondered what he saw when he looked into my eyes. I thought, _If Haru's eyes are an ocean, my eyes are like a meadow_. It seemed to fit. Haru was deep and powerful and a little bit mysterious. In contrast, I was calm and unassuming and stable. We complemented each other.

As I contemplated, I didn't realize that we had scooted closer together, until we were so close our noses brushed. I watched as Haru's eyes flickered in surprise, but he didn't move away. Neither did I. I studied his eyes to find an answer to an unspoken question. What I found instead was curiosity, the same as mine. And then I found that I needed to satisfy that curiosity, and I close the gap between us.

It was the first time we kissed. It didn't last long, but it was sweet, and soft, and spread a warmth throughout my body. My question had been answered. For the first time, I was nervous with Haru. I waited just a second longer to open my eyes and look into his. I didn't need to be nervous. His eyes told me that he was glad. Then he turned over and pulled me into his back so that we could sleep.

__________

That was the biggest shift in our relationship. But as always, we didn't talk about it. We just let it happen. It was natural. It was the next step in the progression for us. It seemed like it was always meant to be, it just needed to take its time.

__________

Our private life changed after that. To the outside world, we were still just best friends. We had learned from an early age how to portray our relationship the way other people wanted to see it.

_Best friends don't hold hands._

_Best friends don't sleep in the same bed._

_Best friends_ certainly _don't kiss._

But he was still my best friend, and I was still his. Only now, we did all of those things. And every night, if we were together, we would share a kiss and fall asleep. And sometimes, if we were alone in Haru's house, we would kiss just because we wanted to. It felt nice. It felt warm. It felt like home. We didn't talk about it, but it was understood. We were best friends, but we were also in love.

__________

During our last year of high school, we had our first fight. Haru had lost his way. He had no dreams, no plans for the future, and no desire to find any. He was hurting, floating through life with no motivation, watching everyone move on around him. I tried to let him get through it on his own. Haru was never one to take unsolicited advice or do what was expected of him. But when the time came, I knew it was my job as the person who cared most for him in the world to help him.

I confronted him one night before Nationals. Our relay team had made it all the way that year. Haru would have qualified in his individual event, too, had he not stopped in the middle of his race. He had cracked under the pressure of finding a future for himself. I told him that I wanted him to find a dream. He was angry. He hated that I, Makoto, the one person who understood him better than anyone, would push him the way everyone else was pushing him. He said he was _fine_. He said he liked things just the way they were. But he was _not fine_ , and I knew it. I told him the only reason we pushed him was because we all loved him. It was the first time I used the word _love_ with him. He was still angry. He told me that I should stop meddling in everyone else's business, that I had no right to lecture him about his future when I hadn't even decided on my own. Except that I had.

I told Haru that I had decided to attend a university in Tokyo. That was the third time I saw him break.

__________

After our fight, I called Rin. Rin was Haru's inspiration. If anyone could help Haru find his dream, it had to be Rin. As his caretaker, it was my job to do what I could to take care of him. This was the best way I knew how.

The next day, Rin whisked Haru away to Australia. They were gone for a few days right before Nationals, while both of our teams were getting some much-needed rest leading up to the tournament. When they came back, Haru was fixed. He said he had found his dream. He wanted to keep swimming, to swim on the international stage, just like Rin. At Nationals, our relay team came in first place.

Haru accepted an offer from a scout at another university in Tokyo. The night that he told me he would be coming to Tokyo with me, I knew that our relationship had changed for good. We planned for a future together.

__________

We kept our relationship a secret for many years. Throughout our college years, I studied, and Haru trained. He competed in some international tournaments. He even qualified for the Olympics. As he became more well-known, we knew that we would have to continue to put up the façade of being just best friends. But we had been together for so long, publicly best friends and privately in love, that it wasn't hard. It was natural for us. We didn't need anyone else but each other.

It happened so gradually that we never needed to discuss it. We just came to be.

Haru is my best friend, and I am his best friend.

But Haru is also the love of my life, and I am his.

We never needed to talk about it. We have always been this way. We will always be this way. Now, we say _I love you_ to each other when he leaves for a competition or when we are close late at night. We don't need to, but we do. And one day, after Haru retires, I give him a ring.

__________

For the first time, Haru and I discuss the idea of being open about our relationship. I want to marry him. Even though it is not legal for two men to marry in Japan, we can enter into a partnership. We can be family.

_But we already are family._

But we have been together for so long, and our lives are so intertwined, that I feel it's time to let it out. To talk about it out loud. To let others into the little world that we had started building for ourselves a lifetime ago.

And he says _yes_.


End file.
